Onward and upward…


This is not how I intended to start.  I have been wanting to start a blog for about a year – at the gentle urging of a wonderful woman in Houston who believed that I was a humorous emailer.  I had always yearned to begin, but classes, work, and an archaic laptop (oh, and fear that no one would care what I wrote) gave me pause.

This is not how I intended to start.  I didn’t intend on sitting on my couch, taking personal days from work because I couldn’t muster the strength for what the day held in store.  I didn’t intend to be 31 years old, wailing at the top of my lungs, praying to a very quiet God that He show me a sign that it was going to be okay.  I didn’t intend that my mother and father be worried sick 50 miles away about the sanity and safety of their third child.  They want to drive into the city to get me – and take me away from my pain, the pain of not being loved enough by the person I love most in this world.

I did intend on being honest.  So here we are.

With the absence of fanfare – but with my heart on my sleeve, here we are.

I was able to snooze on my sister’s couch the other night between the hours of 3-4am., far away from the comfort of my West Village home that I share with my boyfriend of over two years.  Snow was silently falling, my niece Clara was softly moaning in her crib, and I woke up suddenly, cursing that it was all not a dream – I was lying next to him in our bed with our new sheets, wasn’t I?  No. And then, for some inexplicable reason, I began humming one of the songs from Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  I heard Bing Crosby’s voice saying:

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

Where that came from, I do not know.  I had asked God for a sign that it was going to be okay and he gave me Bing at 3am.

My initial purpose in writing this blog was to entertain maybe five readers, who let’s admit, all have pale skin, blue eyes, and answer to my last name. But as I sit on a couch that is no longer mine, in a home that is no longer mine, my heart is breaking.  So instead of writing for five people, I’m writing for myself.  I need to experience this pain, feel it, live it, and roll around in it.  And at the same time as that fun schedule, I must start another journey.  One that begins with packing belongings that just left their boxes a few months ago, and figuring out the next place I’m going to call home.


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5 thoughts on “Onward and upward…

  1. Write, Eileen. Write. I love the way you think and your humor (when you have it) is highly appreciated by me! I look forward to seeing your blogging prowess flourish!

  2. You write well,Eileen, and it should do you well, too. While helping yourself to understand and overcome this pain you may even ease the path for others that have to go it and make others realize the beauty and fragility of what they thought so sure of.

  3. good work, spleen. i am much looking forward to seeing you work and write your way through this and get to a better place. plus im a major humor whore and you can make me laugh. you have my support and admiration.

  4. Keep writing. Keep using your dark humor to pull you through. you need pain to find your happiness again. it’s not gonna be quick or easy by any stretch. but you will get through it one day.

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