Normally, I wouldn’t post twice in one day. But, I made a really stupid mistake today. I spoke with my now ex-boyfriend in our living room for over an hour…about us, about our pasts, about our separate futures. It was heart-wrenching, solemn, honest, tear-filled, and the most painful experience of my life. I have been knocked off my high, confident horse…and don’t feel the strength and certainty of a few days ago.
I sometimes think that people cause painful experiences, simply so that they feel something, Anything. I am not that person. I feel nothing.
I found an apartment. A place that will be just mine, and will allow me to cut the physical ties of our shared home. I need more than anything to just separate our things, pack, and leave it all behind. My options of moving home to my parents’, of sleeping on couches….continuing that temporary life just seemed to enable my sadness. I need to push forward… one address at a time.
I wish I could say I was excited about this new apartment, with its brick walls and cozy taupe paint. I do know that it will be a great place for me – and it’s serendipitous that it all came together so easily , with no fee and immediate occupancy. I am not in the state of mind to speak to realtors, ask about Con Ed, measure closets. What I need is to sign on the dotted line. And this time when I do, I won’t be smiling from ear to ear.
I am beyond overwhelmed, as I sit in my childhood bed surrounded by my old horse statues and stuffed animals. I am again a child, needing my parents to nurture me and give me a safe haven.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination. This year of solitude will be a learning experience, a chance to grow and become stronger than I ever thought possible.
I will so miss his family. It feels as though everyone was just taken from me in a tragic accident. His dad’s jovial way, his mom’s tenderness, his brother’s quiet and hilarious one-liners, his brother’s youthful exuberance for life, his sister’s sweetness. I have lost so much. And I hope that they know how much I cherished each and everyone of them…for as long as I had them.
Love is a privilege, not an obligation. And I’ve been very, very privileged.