Normally, I wouldn’t post twice in one day.  But, I made a really stupid mistake today.  I spoke with my now ex-boyfriend in our living room for over an hour…about us, about our pasts, about our separate futures.  It was heart-wrenching, solemn, honest, tear-filled, and the most painful experience of my life.  I have been knocked off my high, confident horse…and don’t feel the strength and certainty of a few days ago.

I sometimes think that people cause painful experiences, simply so that they feel something,  Anything.  I am not that person.  I feel nothing.

I found an apartment.  A place that will be just mine, and will allow me to cut the physical ties of our shared home.  I need more than anything to just separate our things, pack, and leave it all behind.  My options of moving home to my parents’, of sleeping on couches….continuing that temporary life just seemed to enable my sadness.  I need to push forward… one address at a time.

I wish I could say I was excited about this new apartment, with its brick walls and cozy taupe paint.  I do know that it will be a great place for me – and it’s serendipitous that it all came together so easily , with no fee and immediate occupancy.  I am not in the state of mind to speak to realtors, ask about Con Ed, measure closets.  What I need is to sign on the dotted line.  And this time when I do, I won’t be smiling from ear to ear.

I am beyond overwhelmed, as I sit in my childhood bed surrounded by my old horse statues and stuffed animals.  I am again a child, needing my parents to nurture me and give me a safe haven.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.  This year of solitude will be a learning experience, a chance to grow and become stronger than I ever thought possible.

I will so miss his family.  It feels as though everyone was just taken from me in a tragic accident.  His dad’s jovial way, his mom’s tenderness, his brother’s quiet and hilarious one-liners, his brother’s youthful exuberance for life, his sister’s sweetness.  I have lost so much. And I hope that they know how much I cherished each and everyone of them…for as long as I had them.

Love is a privilege, not an obligation.  And I’ve been very, very privileged.


4 thoughts on “Setback

  1. “putting it all behind you” is easier said than done. I don’t mean that in a snarky way. I mean that the loss and the hurt you’re feeling…you HAVE to feel that. You can’t NOT feel that and move on emotionally. Sure, you can have a fun night out, go on vacation, pamper yourself (all things I’d recommend, by the way; they were rec’d to me when I got divorced from my first wife). But make no mistake, you’re in mourning. You’re mourning the death of the life you had and thought you would have, and as far as your noggin is concerned, it’s just as real a loss as if someone important to you passed away. So as corny as it sounds, feel what you’re feeling, feel the feelings that pop on you all of a sudden or creep up over the course of daysweeksmonths…feel them until you don’t feel that way anymore. Then, THEN you’re moving on.

    And keep watching Mystery Science Theater 3000. That heals ALL wounds.

  2. BTW, the feeling of nothing? Also part of the mourning process, that sense of numbness. It’s the body’s way of protecting itself from feeling too much. For me, I went back and forth between numbness, sadness, and a lethargy that bordered on narcolepsy.

  3. It’s so hard to go back to the same job…same life, as if nothing has happened. Everyone just going about their day. But I guess that’s what I need to focus on…just the day to day tasks until time passes.

  4. Unfortunately, your head and memories are not a TV show that you can turn off because you don’t like what is on. You are stuck watching this show until it is over…but it will end in time. I used to say “I wish I had a switch to turn off my brain.” Guess what? I’m still looking for that switch!

    Sometimes, I think the hardest thing about relationships ending isn’t always losing the person, it’s losing everything that came with the person. It’s losing the friends you made through them, their family and the experiences they exposed you to. I still think about those motorcycle rides with “D”, not because it was with him but because it was so exciting and dangerous and new for me.

    It doesn’t make things easier but remember: Each day WILL get easier and some days WILL be better than others.

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