Fifteen percent.

Sunday night – for over two years it meant a home-cooked fish dinner and 60 Minutes.  Instead, tonight, I decided it was time to venture into my new neighborhood and find my own new grocery store.  I discovered Gristedes just two blocks up – and spend seventy dollars on the essentials – butter, bread, and, naturally for a carnivore, three different kinds of sausage.

Now that I have cable, I feel somewhat connected to the outside world.  I began a movie (The Lucky Ones, with Tim Robbins and Rachel McAdams), opened a bottle of Smoking Loon, and dove headfirst into some cheese and sopresetta.  Because I have no couch just yet, I propped up some pillows, lit some candles, and tried to create a cozy atmosphere.

I just returned from a girls’ weekend, complete with beautiful homes, new babies only a few weeks old, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard.  Just a few weeks ago, my future was to consist of the same – and here I am starting from square one.

I spent part of the weekend reading the book my dear friend sent to me, to help me through this time.  She’ll be happy to hear I sat with it, in pensive thought, with a highlighter held in my lips  – I know that these words helped her through the hardest time in her life, and she entrusts me with the same paragraphs.  She is my mentor, and I can’t let her down.

I’m in a difficult spot – my ex is already interested in dating, and, after only 7 days after moving out of our life together, naturally, I question my importance, my value, my self-worth.  But the only thing I can control is my reaction.  To be on my own, to hear the depth of the silence – to understand what’s to be taken away, in an effort to not wash, rinse and repeat.  To quote the great and powerful Mitchell from ‘Modern Family‘: “People are who they are, give or take 15 percent. That’s how much people can change if they really want to.”  So, I feel intense sadness – that I have come away the only one devastated, the only one affected…and evidently the only one who may learn anything from this.  What a sad, sad waste.

People keep telling me that there is something big for me around the corner, that it’s going to hit me when I least expect it.  Maybe, while I’m waiting to be hit,  I’m to learn to how love living,  and the surprise of it all.  We never know what life is going to hand us, good or bad.  We can either be debilitated by the unknown or embrace it.  I’m a Virgo, a perfectionist, a planner…the unknown is not a party.  But maybe this is what I’m supposed to learn – how to just be.  How to make peace in my sadness everyday, and then wipe my tears, and breathe in the possibility that I’m going to find more out there for me than what I’ve expected.  And accepted.

Maybe the fact that unconditional love has taken longer to find me than it has my friends is just a gentle reminder from the universe that I have more time than I thought, and that there’s a great journey to enjoy along the way.  Bon voyage.


2 thoughts on “Fifteen percent.

  1. Ei – I wrote this to Sus a lifetime ago after I had been dumped (for the first but not the last time by the psycho Argie). I thought it might be pertinent…..

    It’s funny – this is the 2nd time I’ve had to accept that I can’t control things & that someone can just walk out of your life without warning. I don’t know how to say goodbye, I never have & maybe this is how I learn how to do it. Maybe we all needed to learn that life isn’t sewn up in nice little packages or figured out in 27 minute segments like on tv. It’s messy and painful and drags out & sometimes, like the quote says “Things don’t end the way we think they should.” So we suck it up, count the costs and tell ourselves it was worth the pain & we go on. B/C we have to, b/c there isn’t another alternative and at the end of the day, no matter how much it hurts, we find the strength within ourselves to do it.
    And maybe that is the best lesson of all…

  2. OK. I have no idea which button to hit to follow your blog …but having been divorced ( I never should have married, which you would hope would make everything easier) I can say it is hard–no matter what. And I can say it does get better, no matter what.

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