I am in desperate need of some shut-eye. I am up every night, bouncing around, excited about the book I’m reading (Beach Music), knowing I have three papers to write and presentations to give in a matter of days, but instead I write this furiously…my normal bedtime has been postponed by almost three hours daily. It’s no wonder that I’m dragging at 8:30am. And the very vivid dreams aren’t helping. I wake up confused about my situation, where I am, and it takes that sick 5 seconds for it to all settle in. As you can imagine, this leads to high morning productivity.
It’s a difficult time for me to begin living by myself for the first time in my life. Normally people choose the solitary lifestyle after living with roommates that were less than satisfactory, or the neighborhood was unspectacular, or they were so excited to decorate their own place. Having never lived on my own, it’s strange not to share ideas on where the furniture will go, which picture to hang over the fireplace, which wine glasses to buy. All these decisions are now my own. And I know when I head to Ikea on Saturday by myself, it’s going to look like the Emerald City. A chorus will rise…and I will walk into the depths of the unknown, only to be spit out $1000 lighter and full of their Swedish Meatballs. Let’s face it, that’s why I’m really going. Nummy num.
I’m tempting fate by myself, tape measure in hand, to outfit an apartment that didn’t exist in my thoughts a month ago. And every color, every shape, every style will be my choosing. I like to share…and I like to compromise. But this is where “Eileen’s Lesson #1 in How to be Selfish” comes in. Only my opinions matter.
One of the difficult things about the end of relationships is the sharing, the inside jokes, the moments that are just between the two of you…the things that you try to describe to other people, who then smile politely, not quite understanding your hysterics. But the two of you get it, and it makes your relationship special. In order to begin chipping away at that warm, fuzzy feeling, every once in a while I am going to share with you a story, a video, a memory. Maybe you’ll find it amusing, maybe you won’t, I honestly, really don’t care. It’s a way for it to be less special to me. I share, I compromise, I give, I discuss – I like who I am. And it makes it easier to go through this pain, if I’m not sharing the memory, the laughter with only one other person on the planet. It will mean less if it’s not sacred to me, to us. I admit, it’s sad, do me a favor and go with it.
So I share with you… Inside Joke #1. A clip from youtube, entitled ‘Smarty Pants Dance’ – something we laughed so hard over, and recreated every time we said something surprisingly over -the-top smart. We would break out in this ridiculous dance, always in the privacy of our living room, and giggle like kids. I hope you enjoy.