Weed or wildflower…

This weekend, I watched the ‘Pursuit of Happyness.’  Followed by ‘We Are Marshall.’  And realized I need to end the Masochistic Movie Marathon.  Enough already – from now on, it’s all Disney movies and Hannah Montana.

But…I’m a sucker for a good quote, one that can put my feelings into words that are far better crafted than my own.  In ‘Happyness,’ Christopher Gardner, the main character, narrates: “I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?”

The Declaration of Independence…born on July 4, 1776…right there in all of its calligraphical glory.  The pursuit of happiness…

I am smart enough to know that all that lies between me and a past that has released its grip, the future that I dream about, the partnership that I aspire to… is one thing… my thoughts.  They alone can end the suffering.  Nothing can be until we think it possible.

We must first accept that it is within our power to choose happiness over unhappiness every single day.  Our future is a product of the choices we make today. The sadness, the past, the hurdles that we force ourselves to overcome are the products of our own creation.

Saturday I spend the day with friends, hopping from one excursion to another, and for the evening was invited out to meet a girlfriend surrounded by “male company,” a term which made me laugh.  And I was going to go, because it was just that spontaneity that allowed me to meet my now ex, one raining December night years ago.  But I decided that, after a day out, I wanted to try my hand at solitude, not distraction.  it’s important to face your fears head on…not look for a hiding place.

But trust me, C, I’ll go next time.

So I sat, watched my Masochistic Movie Marathon, and the next day two good friends who didn’t know each other sat on my floor and made beautiful furniture out of pressboard.  My home is now a home.  Then, I was taken to Benjamin Steakhouse by another who I have not seen in years.  He let me tell my story over my $80 steak and bottle of Stag’s Leap.

Him:  The one word that comes to mind when I hear your name is “loyal.”

Me:  Yeah, to a fault.  Look where it got me.

Him:  No, there are not enough people like you.  You are above and beyond…loyal.  Fiercely, fiercely loyal.  It’s a good thing to be.  It’s who you are.  It’s amazing.

I don’t have good friends.  I have outstanding friends.

Everyday, people deal with far more than I will ever comprehend.  Every morning, I stand on the subway, and realize that someone on this very train is dealing with something harder and more complex that I will ever have to.

I also realize that I will find what I am looking for, this great love…not because I deserve it (which I do)…but because I am ready for it.  Ready to accept it, ready to preserve it, ready to have it mean the world.  It’s a feeling I am trying to release myself from, while simultaneously trying to hold its possibility for another down the road.  For one person’s weed is another person’s wildflower.


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