A friend in London suggested I start each blog with something I’m grateful for, on this day. A great idea, for I don’t want to lose sight of all that I have. Today, I am grateful for the friends and family that have shown up at my door, literally and figuratively, this past month. You surpassed my expectations.
On Monday, I attended one of the best yoga classes of my life. Effin’ amazing. That’s French for really fantastic. Let me put it this way. My gym kicks your gym’s arse. I stretched farther than I thought, pushed my muscles to hold more weight, and quieted my racing mind. My instructor came up to me during my Reverse Warrior and called me “very strong.” Damn straight. I mean, Namaste.
I’ve been thinking a lot about a word we are not supposed to say out loud – the word “regret.” We’re not supposed to have any, it’s taboo, but I think it takes a strong person to say yeah, I messed up, I did things I’m not proud of. I turned into a person I didn’t respect or love. So how could I expect those feelings from someone else?
If anything, acknowledging regret is an effort to not relive the choices you made. He and I both acknowledged out loud that it was the lack of commitment that led to the fights, the quiet, the shutting down that resulted in tears, my lack of confidence, and which began the cycle anew. For what did I have to be confident in? I had a boyfriend who thought that his wife was still out there, and he was looking for her. I kept hoping he would snap out of it, and see what was right in front of him. But he chose to not take the time to see me. God, he never saw me.
When we’re going through a bad time, we think that it defines who we are. Yes, I was hurt more than I thought possible – but that doesn’t mean that is all I am. Or that his choice encompasses my life. That is something that happened to me – it’s not who I am.
As a wise friend once said, “You can’t expect people to act as you would – that’s a great way to get let down when you have a big heart.” But I think it’s important to hold people and ourslves to a certain standard. Because, really, there are too many good people out there to spend time on the ones that suck.
I like that. I’m making t-shirts.
But, sometimes we can be the ones that suck, too. I allowed my self-confidence to take a hit…and retaliated. That’s just one regret, and my fault. But, as I look around my darn great apartment, I have already accomplished more than I thought I would. Man, life changed fast. And I was challenged to take the three point shot with 1.6 seconds on the game clock. Whether it goes in or not, only time will tell, it’s going to be a long 1.6 seconds. But just the thought that I had the guts to take it from half-court should count for something.