Not today

I had a different post that I wrote for today.  But, now, I lie awake at 4:51am on Tuesday, stewing.  And similar to the need to get up and make your To Do list when your mind is buzzing away uncontrollably, I have to do the same.

Today, at 4:51am, I am angry.  I am so tired of fixing men up and sending them along their way, where they are now ready to experience the joys of a fruitful, loving relationship.  This has been my pattern since my early 20s.

I am not interested in teaching you the meaning of “real love,” only to have you ready to experience it with someone else.   I am not interested in bandaging up your heart, so that mine can be cast aside.  I am not overjoyed that you now know what it is to treat someone with love and respect.  I don’t want to be thanked for helping you get on your feet.  I am not happy that you are grateful to me.  I don’t want to hear that you didn’t deserve me.  You were not supposed to be my project.  For now I am the one left, unsure of my place and unsteady on my feet.

Let me make an announcement to men everywhere – if you are brokenhearted, still not over your ex, questioning your purpose in this life, unsure if you want to ever get married,  think you may see a future with me, use others to satiate your own loneliness, or have an incredible amount of baggage, then please, please stay away from me.  I will not date you.

So please forgive me when I say I don’t want to hear from anyone today.  I don’t want comments attached to this blog, I don’t want to be facebooked, I don’t want email replies to this about how I will find someone one day that loves me.   I don’t want words of wisdom or worried phone calls.  I don’t want any of it.  I want to be left alone today.  I don’t want support, a kind word,  advice, and I don’t don’t want to be told that “time heals all wounds.”  I am so emotionally exhausted from the pain of all of this.   Just today, all I want is peace.  Tomorrow, I will feel differently.  Today, I want permission to be mad as hell.


One thought on “Not today

  1. I am breaking your rule – but you are completely justified and right on track. The seven stages of grief are:
    1. Shock and Denial (check)
    2. Pain and Guilt (check)
    3. Anger and Bargaining (check to the anger part as witnessed by today’s post)
    4. Depression, Reflection and Lonliness
    5. The Upward Turn
    6. Reconstruction and Working Through
    7. Acceptance and Hope

    So you are at stage 3 1/2 – stage 5 looks good – just hold on until then….

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