I had a different post that I wrote for today. But, now, I lie awake at 4:51am on Tuesday, stewing. And similar to the need to get up and make your To Do list when your mind is buzzing away uncontrollably, I have to do the same.
Today, at 4:51am, I am angry. I am so tired of fixing men up and sending them along their way, where they are now ready to experience the joys of a fruitful, loving relationship. This has been my pattern since my early 20s.
I am not interested in teaching you the meaning of “real love,” only to have you ready to experience it with someone else. I am not interested in bandaging up your heart, so that mine can be cast aside. I am not overjoyed that you now know what it is to treat someone with love and respect. I don’t want to be thanked for helping you get on your feet. I am not happy that you are grateful to me. I don’t want to hear that you didn’t deserve me. You were not supposed to be my project. For now I am the one left, unsure of my place and unsteady on my feet.
Let me make an announcement to men everywhere – if you are brokenhearted, still not over your ex, questioning your purpose in this life, unsure if you want to ever get married, think you may see a future with me, use others to satiate your own loneliness, or have an incredible amount of baggage, then please, please stay away from me. I will not date you.
So please forgive me when I say I don’t want to hear from anyone today. I don’t want comments attached to this blog, I don’t want to be facebooked, I don’t want email replies to this about how I will find someone one day that loves me. I don’t want words of wisdom or worried phone calls. I don’t want any of it. I want to be left alone today. I don’t want support, a kind word, advice, and I don’t don’t want to be told that “time heals all wounds.” I am so emotionally exhausted from the pain of all of this. Just today, all I want is peace. Tomorrow, I will feel differently. Today, I want permission to be mad as hell.