Oh, it’s good to be back to my usual cheery self.
I am shocked at my anger yesterday, as I reread my post- and a bit embarrassed that I revealed so much. I thought about deleting it in the morning, and continued to stress about it as the numbers viewing my blog rose off the charts with surprising speed. I admit, I panicked a bit, but left it up there, because I felt that this day, this anger, was part of my painful process, and I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I didn’t admit to it. It won’t be all quiet sadness – there will be times of loud anger, when I just can’t believe this has happened.. Now I’m back to sadness – my vicious cycle is nothing if not predictable.
So let me resume where I left off, pre-“mad”-ness.
On Monday, I hated my yoga class. It’s not easy to hate yoga, but I managed it. I found every pose difficult, the instructor rather annoying, and I swayed from side to side as if I were a metronome. The phrase “now work your foot behind your head” came too often for my liking. The complexity of a handstand was beyond me, even a downward dog preyed upon my last nerve.
My teacher could sense my frustration, probably because of my loud, perturbed exhalations. I may be the only person on the planet with sarcastic breathing.
During the backbends, he came over to assist, and whispered “Go with grace.” I replied, “I think I’m going to go with gravity.” But when a fellow student asked what he meant by that, he told us it wasn’t how far we got down to the ground or how deep our pose was – it was the poise with which we executed it. We needed to practice going in and out of each pose with grace, rather than pushing ourselves past what we were capable.
I had been trying to do a pose that had so many different steps and muscles that took years to earn. And, in typical fashion, I was mad that I could not execute it perfectly after a full day of work and stress. But if I broke it down step by step, I saw that one day, with some stronger muscles, I was on the path to getting it right.
We know when we break things down step by step, it’s possible see things as less overwhelming. If we need to lose 25 pounds, starting with a goal of five ensures the right pace necessary to be successful. The same goes for everything – finding the right job, house, city, love…and going through the healing process. It’s all too much for one to handle in its entirety. Only through dissecting it, do we…and our goals…stand a chance.
Life is a little bit like a movie that way…there are 24 frames in each second caught by the naked eye. Multiply that by 60 seconds in each minute, and 120 minutes to a movie…that’s 172, 800 frames. (Are you actually checking my math?) I’m struggling to see my present as only one frame of the entire film. But if we do, we can appreciate how much more is to come. I suppose that today is but one part of the entire pose, one frame of the two hour matinee.