Game change

If you want to see dreams come true, watch the NFL Draft.  These 22 year-old kids receive a phone call and their whole life changes.  Then, these gentle giants, fall to their knees, sobbing, thanking God, their coaches, and their mothers.  The joy on their faces is extraordinary and, naturally, sitting there in Radio City, it made me wonder if there will be a time soon in which I experience that much joy.  Not the obvious happiness that comes with signing a multi-million dollar contract.  Just the chance to cry tears of joy that overcome when dreams are realized.

It’s been a hell of a week – seeing the end of the most trying semester I have ever experienced.  I am now a different person than the one who began those three classes in January. Now, officially in my last semester, I can now plan my next move.

I know I shouldn’t be so hard on my life in this city.  How often do people get to say that they live alone in arguably the best city in the world.  I am grateful for it, and I do appreciate all that it has offered me.  But there are many reasons I feel unable to stay.  The need for a life change, first and foremost – Manhattan is saturated with memories, and I’m needing a clean slate.  A friend who used to live in San Francisco sent me pictures of the run he used to do before work.  I can’t even imagine starting a day like this.  In my land of anxiety and insomnia, the idea of being surrounded by this beauty is already making my shoulders relax.

Aren’t I doing everything right? Making dates with friends, working hard, applying myself in school, setting up travel, reading the right books, started to see a therapist, going out all the time…I’m doing everything that I’m supposed to be doing to get through this – so when do I start to feel the healing?

I posed this question to a friend, and she stopped me immediately.  She told me to look at all that I had accomplished in two months’ time:  moving out of my home, making another, finishing my most difficult semester with A’s, getting a raise at work, strengthening friendships, traveling, writing a pretty darn popular blog, thank you very much, and taking time for me.  She reminded me to be proud of all that I’ve done – that one of these days my heart will catch up with my accomplishments.  That I will feel inside as well as I appear to be doing on the outside.

I have no idea what the next three months entail, and I’ve learned that life will hand you things that you don’t see coming.  In fact, there’s a possibility that you won’t recognize in August the person you were in March.  All I can say is that I look forward to my “phonecall,” the one that brings me to my knees in overwhelming gratitude, the one that will be a gamechanger.


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