I just realized, while washing my face before bed, that I didn’t cry today. Everyday these past few months I have cried in some capacity – that includes everything from feeling a lump in my throat to full out inconsolable sobbing. So I consider that a small victory. Thank you, thank you, no need to stand. No, no, please sit.
So, here’s the thing (yes, there’s always a thing). I’ve been getting asked out a lot. No, I’m not presenting this as a travesty. – far from it. But, as all of you literate people know, I am not quite psyched to be a cardholding member of the dating world. I have always believed that it is unfair to go out with someone and not be over your previous relationship. To me, that is dishonest and taking advantage of another person to quench your own loneliness. But in my case, the irony is that several of my suitors (I have always wanted to use that word) actually read my blog, and are perfectly aware of my “situation.” And they still want to go out with me. Should I question their sanity? What kind of loony would want to take out someone as screwed up as me? Are they angels? Or gluttons for punishment?
So my question is…do I go? Is dating someone else just the thing that will allow me to turn the page? Will it be just what I need to put all this behind me?
Some of you (my sister) are saying (yelling at the computer): “Go! It’s just a date. Jeez, you’re not getting married.” So maybe, in my normal over-analyzing way, I’m looking too hard into this. But I believe in treating people the way I want to be treated. And I won’t take anyone for the ride that I was put on.
The source of the word happiness is the Icelandic word happ, meaning luck or chance. This unsettles me to no end. Are we to leave our happiness entirely in the hands of luck, and hope for the best? While I deem myself a spiritual person and willing to put some things in the hands of the Universe, I do also think that there is no fate but what we make. And yes, I just quoted John Connor in Terminator 2 in a post about love.
It was the astute Ralph Waldo Emerson that said “Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect.”
It is a rare occurrence when souls overlap. But maybe I’m supposed to take my fate into my own hands, and see if it can happen to me again.