Not Today – Part 2

On a hike in Phoenix, my aunt and I reached the top of Squaw’s Peak and took a breather.  Almost immediately, a hummingbird came for a visit to check us out.  It was amazing – its flapping wings and ability to appear still while in rapid motion.  Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying out the hopes of those blessed to see them – hopes for love, joy and celebration.  Their delicate grace reminds us that life is full of little miracles, beauty is everywhere, and every personal connection has meaning.  Its rare to see one, and I think that it was more than coincidence.

My lucky observation of nature reminded me that life is precious, and we work so hard to not let it go.  We hold onto things, people, memories, beliefs…we clutch with everything we have until our knuckles turn white.  Letting go is perhaps the hardest thing we can ask ourselves to do…especially when it’s the last thing we feel capable of doing.  But the lesson to be learned is that forgiveness and letting go are the beginning of the process of healing.  I haven’t been able to heal because I have not let go.  I keep hoping that with time that things will right themselves and I will feel better.  They haven’t.  And I don’t.

We cannot wait to have another take responsibility for their actions.  One day, with any luck, they will make that choice when they are ready. In the meantime, if we want to move forward with our lives instead of waiting around for something that may or may not happen, we have to take the situation into our own hands.  Forgive ourselves and them…and let go.

You know what, I’m going to stop right there.  This was supposed to be a post about my stages of forgiveness.  But really I’m just pissed and pretending not to be.  I could give a rat’s ass about hummingbirds right now.  If you are looking for positivity and grace under stress, I suggest you stop reading.

See, the thing is that I know what to do, but I’m having a problem with execution. Because, at the end of today and all days, I just miss my best friend.

Like when A.A. Milne wrote: Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.  “Pooh!” he whispered.  “Yes, Piglet?”  “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw.  “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

That I miss.  Being sure of someone.  But he’s moved on, and tonight I’m realizing that truth.  He’s moved on.  I was that easy to move on from.  That should be a flag, I suppose.  I meant little.  I mean little.

There’s that age old adage: “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  Tennyson, what a jerk.  I can honestly say (and I will not be surprised if I am alone in this)…but I would rather have not loved.  I would rather have not met.  What’s the point of being in love if it’s going to be tossed away?

Having the best of times together is not worth the mourning of losing them.  So tonight I resent the good times and wish they never happened.   The two Thanksgivings with his family, going on numerous vacations, loving his friends and making them my own, spending almost every night together for over two years, sharing myself wholly and completely, and moving in together, and planning a future….  There is no doubt in my mind, pessimistic as it is, that I would have been better off not heading out in the rain to that party on that December 1, 2007.  I should have stayed home.

But there is nothing I can do about that now.  What’s done is done.  So I just have to forgive and let go – I know that’s the right thing.  And boy, I wish I could, more than anything. Wouldn’t that be awesome?  And then all my future posts could be about me and all the steps I’m taking to live my best life and how excited I was for all my new possibilities.  Bullshit.

I’m sure I’m going to hear an earful after this one. But no one is in my shoes, no one is on this couch right now.  I can only speak for myself – and I would rather have never loved.  Sad for me…yes.  True for me…yes.  You probably feel pity for me, go ahead.  I wish I felt differently, that I was eternally optimistic that this is a learning experience and I will be better and stronger because of it. Tonight, at midnight, I don’t feel that way.  I get the whole ‘Law of Attraction’ thing, I know what I’m supposed to do.  I cannot do it.  Not right now, not tonight, and I can’t imagine when.

So go ahead and feel pity for me.  I do obviously.  But I cannot force this.  I cannot feel something that I don’t feel.  I have to live honestly and truthfully…and this is what that looks like unfortunately.  Tonight at 12:18, truth hurts.


5 thoughts on “Not Today – Part 2

  1. Eileen, my pillar of strength. You’re having a bad day.

    In good news, you are allowed. You are mourning the loss of someone, and that will take a long time to get over. But I think it’s the anger that makes you wish the last two years didn’t happen. I think once you get over the anger, you’ll be able to appreciate the last two years for all the good memories, and what you learned about yourself. Hope that didn’t sound too New Age. Or too puppies and cotton candy.

    The one piece of advice I can offer is pretty much the same advice you got from the woman in your last post when you were chugging beers in the airport. Once you really do let go and accept that it’s over, you’ll be in a better spot. I think one of the reasons this is so hard is because if we DO allow ourselves to go there, we know we won’t feel the same about the guy anymore: you’re closing that part of you off, and you’re not going to open it again. If that person DOES come around and wants another shot, it really IS too late. You won’t want him anymore, because you won’t feel the same anymore. And that’s a sad thought. I know from my own break-ups one of the reasons I was sadder longer than I should’ve been was because I didn’t WANT to totally get over the guy. But the sooner I made the choice to do it, the better off I was. Limbo sucks.

    Save your heart for someone who will be more careful with it. 🙂

  2. As you know – something I have been pondering lately as well. And of course the knee-jerk reaction is to say “of course it was worth it, cherish the memories, etc.” And the truth is – sometimes I would prefer to have that mythical sci-fi memory wipe so that I could forget all of it and it would be as if it never happened.

    What helped me to get through all of the things is that I focused on what I learned. And sometimes what my bad choices pushed me into doing and the new adventures that started (hello living in Argentina).

    Were these lessons and adventures worth the times I spent in gut-wrenching agony, the times I felt so worthless and unloved, the times I truly believed death was the easier alternative that getting up and facing the world? Don’t know but I can’t erase the things that happened so what is the alternative?

  3. This post made me cry today. Not because your post is exactly how I have been feeling lately, but because it angers me that someone as wonderful as you and I have to experience things like this. I know that you two were in a much different pIace than me but sometimes its not “where you are” in the relationship but how much you invest emotionally. I had a complete melt-down on Sunday (so bad my mom had to put me in the car and take me for a drive to calm me down). What am I 2 years old? I too am so angry. My mother kept telling me that I need to find a place to get over it. My reaction, and I think I have said this to you before is that “No one can tell ME how to feel.” With that being said its ok to feel a wealth of emotions, but NEVER EVER blame yourself or think there was something else you could have done.

    I am trying to focus on what I’ve learned. So far I have come up in the negative but maybe that’s my own doing. I did learn however that I am more than this. That this is test in strength. My fear is becoming jaded or bitter but that is up to me isn’t it? The only thing that I can say today that might actually make you feel a bit better is, focus on how good it made you feel to care for someone in that way. Did you enjoy that feeling? If you did and I am sure you did….think about how exciting it will be to love someone like that again.

  4. After reading this, I definitely think you should hold off dating – at least for a little while…..

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