I was talking yesterday about all the things on my social calendar – days and nights so full that they were stressing me out. Not complaining, really. Okay, I might have been complaining. Definitely was complaining. Looking at my daily planner, my Bible, I was reminded by a friend that if there was ever a time in my life that I needed to be selfish, that I deserved to be selfish, it was right now. All I wanted to do that night was go to yoga and go home, pour a glass of malbec, make some mushroom ravioli, and watch Parenthood.
I feel very out of my element. Yes, I know what being selfish is like – I was a teenager after all. But in relationships, I was used to putting others first, and not in a good way. In a way that ended up tarnishing my self-esteem, placing myself second repeatedly, and resenting those that I gave to continuously. In the end, it resulted in destroying what I was trying to save.
So, I’m no longer doing anything I don’t want to do. I am not going out all the time for the sake of going out, simply because that is what a single girl should be doing. I’ve been doing that consistently for two months and I’m friggin’ TIRED. I must be good to myself – and if that means lighting some candles, sipping my second glass, watching Sportscenter, and researching French lessons, then so be it. To me that sounds much more marvelous than making small talk and taking out an overused credit card. At least I will be doing exactly what I want to do.
I have offered everything I have ever had to give. I have nothing left at this point in time. I am grieving, struggling, and finding my way back on my own terms and in my own way.
I have been blessed to have had many romantic things done for me over the years. Constant flowers bought. Mixed tapes recorded. Jewelry presented. Gifts wrapped with care. Chocolates sent. Continuous dinners prepared. Single roses placed on my car. Spontaneous romantic weekends with surprise destinations planned. And it’s not that all those heartfelt declarations don’t stand for something. But if you want to sweep me off my feet, don’t surprise me with a key to our new apartment with tears in your eyes. It’s been done, and obviously the sentiment doesn’t carry equal weight between two people.
If you want to do something to impress me, don’t do the above. Instead, show loyalty, devotion, selflessness, and commitment, for that would be new and refreshing, and something I have not had the pleasure of receiving. Save your money on trips to the Hamptons, lovely as it was. I can rent a car and get there on my own.
I just want to learn to be selfish. It’s only me in this stadium and I have to memorize the plays, throw the perfect spiral, protect my blind side, control the clock, and stiff arm my opponent. I am my own offense and defense. And I’m willing to show up everyday for practice.
(FYI – this beautiful picture above was taken by my very gifted friend Ion Sokhos. I’m buying this for above my fireplace. Peruse his talent at www.sokhos.com.)