Today was an aggravating day.  I felt anxious for its duration, as I sat in my apartment and listened to the rain.  The first person I spoke to was at 8pm at night.  I waited for emails that never came.  I paced.  Picked things up and put them back.  Received no joy from reading my book, watching the end of Field of Dreams, or planning my trip to San Francisco.   I am always doing something, running somewhere.  And since I had nothing but homework on my list, I felt I had no purpose.  No one was waiting for my call – or was to meet up with me.  It was the most autonomous I have ever felt.

It’s very easy to look to your environment…your friends, your associations, your interests…to provide you with a sense of identity.  It’s hard to see where they end and you begin.  But I steadfastly believe that the concept of self originates in your own soul.

In my past patterns, my life was too intertwined with the lives of others.  The line dividing our lives could not be seen with the naked eye, and I made the choice to sacrifice my independence. What I have learned is that maintaining healthy barriers is the key to a strong partnership…that giving didn’t mean I had to give up my identity…That being independent wasn’t a selfish act.

This week is a quiet one, much different from the previous –  which will allow me to keep my promise to myself: I’ve decided that everyday I’m applying for positions in both New York and San Francisco.  Each and every day I am going to put myself out there.  Something is bound to stick.

To quote the great Liz Lemon, “You can’t force your fate – you just have to let it wash over you like a spray tan that won’t take because you’re skin is too oily.”  So I’m not going to push.  I’m going to be patient.  I’m going to hate every minute of it, but I’m going to be patient…make the right move, take the right job, breathe the right decision.  Connect with my soul, find the beauty in risk, take a chance, place my faith in the Universe, propel myself forward, explore all the options ahead of me, put aside my caution and learn the strength of my will.  So it turns out it IS a busy week.


2 thoughts on “Autonomy.

  1. don’t forget boston! we have jobs here too.

    you’re doing everything right. when you look back on this time, alone or next to someone else, you’ll see how far YOU came.

    an old BC roommate said this to me back in freshman year – you shouldn’t be with someone to make you happy. you should be so happy by yourself that it spills into another person.

    pretty corny or over the top, i suppose. but the message is there. also, beer.

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