Things My Brain Thinks When No One is Looking


…What is it about this city that makes adolescents from the Midwest leave their families behind…that makes it the “best city in the world”….that allows for it to be a main character in the majority of movies released every year… that makes it the metropolis where Spiderman, Batman, Catwoman, The Avengers, the Watchmen, Daredevil, Captain America, the X-Men, the Fantastic Four all fight against evil.  What happened to Denver?  Denver’s nice.

…Honestly, it’s cable television.  It’s not the Pentagon.  If that promo doesn’t go on-air, the red phone is not going to ring in the Situation Room. No missiles will be shot, no nukes deployed.  Life is bigger than this, folks.  And if it’s not bigger than this for you, than you have larger issues to deal with than whether we miss :25 seconds of promotion for a reality show about lesbians.

…I think everyday about what I want to be when I grow up.  Once upon a time it was an astronaut, then a marine biologist.  The irony is that I’m incredibly afraid of dark abysses, so naturally I pick space and the ocean.  But my biggest fear is satellite dishes.  The movie Contact was like watching Halloween.  (Shudder)

…Why do people spit?  Do they produce more saliva than I do?  I don’t feel a need to hock a loogie as I walk down Madison.  If your mouth is sweating, it may be because you’re using it too much.

…Drugs are an enigma.  I understand rock bottom.  I get it.  Not once did I desire to pick up a drug.  Is it because I went to Catholic school?  Hardly… there were more needles in my high school parking lot than in seamstress’ sewing kit.  Why postpone pain?  Trust me, it’s not going anywhere.  It will remain tingly when the frostbite wears off.

…Changing people is impossible.  Accepting them is possible.  Getting angry is easy.  Understanding is harder.  And as my horoscope says, “it’s more fun to love ‘em than to  leave ‘em.”

…Are Matt Damon and Ben Affleck going to write another movie?  Are they as petrified about their own potential failure as I am?

…I’m confused about the whole “Jews for Jesus” thing, in the subways, everyday handing out pamphlets.  I might have only taken Judaism for one year in college…but one takeaway, possibly the foundation of the Jewish faith, is based on the fact that Jesus didn’t exist.  I don’t understand.  That’s it, I’m getting a pamphlet tomorrow.

…When the sam heck did manners go out the window?  Stop yelling into your cellphone.  Don’t put your blackberry on the table in a restaurant, unless you’re a doctor and you’re on-call.  Again, not the Pentagon – you’re not that important.  And what are with the small hands-free microphones that are worn around the neck – it’s HANDS-FREE, stop holding it to your mouth…

Sigh.  I’m thankful that I keep all this to myself.  That it will never see the light of day.    That no one will ever know what goes on inside my head.

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One thought on “Things My Brain Thinks When No One is Looking

  1. A few thoughts
    1. i think the fact that all the crime fighting movies are based here is that people think there is just that much crime in the city (sigh)
    2. i agree – promos are not organs waiting to be donated that will expire if you do not get that cooler onto the helicopter and to mass general STAT!
    3. my friend N. wanted to be an alligator when she grew up. Still a great aspiration in my book.
    4. I’m not touching the drug discussion
    5. Sometimes leaving them is the answer (double sigh)
    6. ha!
    7. I’m more confused about the guys dressed in costume near Times Square. The ones with the swords and the headresses and the head-splitting PA system. I’m too afraid of them to find out who they hate, but I have a bad feeling it’s me….
    8. AND STOP CLIPPING YOUR NAILS ON THE SUBWAY

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