Sitting on my couch drinking a Sam Adams and trying to wrap my head around a few things. I had a rather hard day – it began with work drama that made me feel invisible and ignored. It ended with a friend telling me that mutual “friends” were talking about my blog and how they laughed at me and called me arrogant. Immediately, I felt a lump in my throat and tears sprang to my eyes. A few days a week, I let people in to see what’s going on in my head and my heart. And to hear that I was being mocked for it…well, it made me feel very vulnerable and small. I bit my lip, and just nodded slowly, over and over.
I’m not quick to shove off criticism. I’m very sensitive, and this is not like someone telling me they don’t like my red J.Crew rainboots with the bumblebees on them. This is them saying they don’t like me, my feelings, the deepest part of who I am (yet, they continue to read every post).
So I sit here, sipping, and while I would love to say “Screw them! Who cares what those losers think? Hot tip…it’s about ME because, here’s the secret, it’s MY blog!” But I remain hurt. Not hemorrhaging, but wounded.
I regret that their laughter made me pause and doubt myself. These past six months of heartache made me pause and doubt myself, too. I had hoped I would have grown stronger during that time, but sometimes, in moments like this, I doubt the strength of my will. I hate that hot tears are streaming down my face.
This blog has been a way for me to write what I cannot bring myself to say, the pain that I cannot put into words…and so I write. Has it helped me? I don’t know. In some ways. Yes, not everyone is going to like you and what you do. But I do wish with all of my heart that they would stop reading. Just stop, please. I don’t want to be read by you.
Today I wrote an email that needed to be written, and had needed to be written for six months. I said my final goodbye. That was hard enough, believe me. Truly devastating and against every bone in my body. But sometimes your bones are wrong. So if it’s egotistical to say that I’m, for the first time in three years, putting the focus on myself and no other person, then prepare yourself for the most narcissistic, self-centered, pompous, vain character you’re ever going to meet.