I surrender.

At times, I feel so in control, and at other times, I feel like I’m standing up on a roller coaster, uncertain about the strength of the steel hinges, as they screech and shake.  I’m a type-A control freak, always have been, hopefully won’t always be. I’m working on it – practicing exhaling, placing things in the hands of the Universe, no longer praying that something is going to catch me, as I plummet from that speeding track…but instead knowing that I can break my own fall.

I read this quote by Goethe the other day…

“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”

I find that every time I have struggled for power, in all my relationships, I end up with less than where I started.  I fought to wear the pants, be the most informed, have all the answers…To maintain utter control of a situation.  Defense mechanism, much?

Along the way, I am embarrassed to say I have forgotten that I could use my “power” for good – to help, to heal, to change, to correct, to forgive, to build the muscles that sustain a compassionate heart. I’ve worked hard this past year to examine my actions in life – an often tumultuous road, but one that had plenty of flat, green lushness as well.  It’s important that our approach to life allows us to see both sides of ourselves clearly, the innate goodness and the insufferable greed. It’s nearly impossible to be a person we are proud of one hundred percent of the time.  But allow me to speak only for myself when I say there is major room for improvement.  At times, I’m uncertain if I would even get a passing grade.

This blog was created out of a need to find a path –to encapsulate my journey.  Sometimes it veered so far off its course that I might as well have been off-roading.  Sometimes, it was downright irresponsible.

This year I’ve been attempting to “respond, not react,”  as I’ve written before.  It’s a real challenge, to put it mildly. But I’ve learned that my response to what I am handed determines how my story ends. My goal for the future is to not only have history not repeat itself, Mr. Twain, but also to not have it come close to rhyming.


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