It’s been a 39-hour weekend. For some reason, I’m not exhausted. I’m not necessarily energized either – I’m in more of a state of, “What just happened to make things different?” I can’t quite put my finger on it. As one girl said in my workshop tonight, “there are no words.”
After a full weekend of introspection, along with my now 118 nearest and dearest, we all left tonight, knowing we were far different than when we arrived at 8:30 on Friday morning. From the few that “didn’t get it yet” to the man that called his ex-wife today for the first time in 20 years, we all came away transformed.
This weekend we were called out on all of our bullshit. Every excuse, every “but HE did this to ME,” everything we had ever told ourselves that allowed us to stay angry and stuck, was annihilated. We had to take responsibility for our problems because we created them when we created stories about the things that happened to us – “I didn’t get picked for the team when I was 5, which meant that no one liked me and I’m better off alone. “ – No in fact, you simply just…weren’t…picked for the team. That’s it. When you witness firsthand the impact of the little voice in our head and how we’ve turned it into in our truth- the magnitude of pain that comes from that is extraordinary. As one of my fellow student said, “this shit just got real.”
Once those barriers were taken down, and our stories destroyed, we were encouraged to make some phone calls and start reaching out to people we’ve wronged, or had wronged us, and admit to our part in the play. I was so inspired by other people’s tremendous fear-conquering, that I made a few phone calls myself, that left me shaking, sobbing, and feeling twenty pounds lighter.
I talk a big game in this blog about honesty and integrity, and am so good at throwing a pity party I might as well have embossed invitations. It’s done, folks. Because at 6pm on Saturday night was the first real time I ever felt completely open, vulnerable, 100% honest, and brimming with my own authenticity and integrity. It didn’t matter if I heard back from the people I called – I received a gift from myself.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but it feels good not knowing. I’m no longer “in the in-between.” Instead, I realize that this is my life, right here, right now. And everyday that I wish for my future to get here, I’m wasting my present.
So here’s to 11:27pm on a Sunday night. I’m alive, grateful, and it’s awesome.