Things My Brain is Thinking about When No One is Looking – Part V


1) I don’t need a man, I need a handyman.  And they happen to be cheaper than a regular man. Added plus – you can find them on craigslist, and they won’t kill you.

2) According to HGTV’s ‘House Hunters,’ based on my savings, I can only own a home in the suburbs of the suburbs of Atlanta.  This is highly disappointing.

3) My leather chair, still new from Pottery Barn, is now in the shape of what I call ‘The Juxtaposition of Eileen.”  It’s my arse in leather, with a size 6 footprint in the ottoman.  I need to retire from my life of leisure. Help. Help. Help.

4) Bar Method, a trendy workout here in San Francisco, is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  Tears have almost run down my eyes in pain, words have passed my lips that would make Mary Magdalene blush.  Please, I dare your gluteus maximus, gentleman,  I’ve never seen a grown man cry. Join me, and make a gal grin.

5) Owning a dog is hard.  Just borrowing a pup for one week showed me that I come second. But if you have floppy ears and like having your belly rubbed, you’re my people. I cancel dates, I dissolve engagements, I run home. To take out the wagging tail at my door. I’ve never seen someone so happy to see me.  Is this what relationships are like? HAHHAHAHAH….no.

6) Never sleep with your feet over the edge of the bed.  Dark is a precarious situation, you never know what will nibble on your toes.  I wake in a sweat every night, shocked I am not besieged by another kind.  If they do come, I think they will like my dvd collection.

7) After being happily unemployed for a few months, I do need to start selling stuff on ebay.  Like my body.

8) Sometimes, the best way to get someone’s attention is to stop giving them yours.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it.  Yeah, you. Yes, you.  I’m talking to you. Jesus. Really.

9) Zac Efron dancing at the end of the awful movie “New Year’s Eve” almost made it worth those painful two hours of my life watching it that I’ll never get back.  Almost. Fast-forward that shite and thank me.

10) Julia Child was 45 before she started cooking as a profession.  I’m going to be ok.  I could be amazing at 35.  Just you bitches wait.


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