Things My Brain Is Thinking About When No One is Looking – Part VI


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  • I’m a smart gal.  But for the past 4 months, I’ve lived with no health insurance.  COBRA is a joke and a half, and I’m still trying to figure out what the Christ Obamacare is.  It sounds great, thanks, so where is it, and why as a girl with an incredible education who has been employed and paid her 30% of income tax not able to receive it when I need it?  Now I’m paying a ridic amount of money every month just in case some schmuck runs a red light and creams me in the pedestrian crossing.
  •  Why can’t I invent something?  People create stupid shite all the time, stuff that is amazing.  Knives that cut through tin cans…the ShamWow….hell, I practically invented the Snuggie. Except I didn’t, nor have reaped its $200m in revenue.  Sometimes I just want zits so I can use ProActiv.
  • The below quotes are from real life, but will not be attributed to any specific human beings, as to keep their anonymity, self-respect, and livelihoods in place. I am always referred to as “Me” because I don’t give a shite.

Me: …Taking care of the pooch…

BFF: You’re such a good mom.

Me: This is the closest I’ll get.

BFF:  Shut it morbid mammary. You’re gonna have a litter of kids some day, and I’ll be the cool gay uncle.

 

Me: Well, why do you think he’s a jerk? I mean, you were there on the golf vacation, don’t you like golf?

He: Oh, I golf… but he thinks its important.

 

At the Genius Bar in the Apple Store:

Me: Um, ignore the rotating desktop wallpaper of Bradley Cooper images on my laptop. I’m just having battery issues today, if you can fix that.

Thomas, Genius Bar employee, 70 years old: I’m sure that you’re not the only girl in here who has a crush on Bradley Cooper.

Me: it’s not a mere crush, Tom.  It’s an obsession.

Thomas: Well I promise to fix your battery to allow the obsession to continue. Although, if I couldn’t I’m sure you’d find a way around it.

Me: It’s like you know me, Thomas.

 

After a bad date:

BFF: You rejected him like a bad transplant.

 

Me: If I hear “Eileen Burke, party of one” called out in a restaurant or seen on a placecard one more time…

BFF: Better than saying “Eileen, plus Party of asshole…”

Yes, yes it is.  Eileen, “Party of One” does not suck. In fact, that’s the title of my next book.

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