Things My Brain is Thinking About When No One is Looking – Part XI

  • I am fully confident that the only way I’m going to meet a guy is if he breaks into my apartment. Look, take my laptop, but you have to take me, too…because we’re kind of a package deal….


  • When you google “extinct furry elephant” because you can’t remember the word mammoth – it might be time to start taking ginkgo biloba. I now do a daily crossword.



  • Why do female characters in movies pretend they wake up looking like that…with fake eyelashes and perfectly applied Lancome?  When I wake up, I look like I had a fight with the bear in the Revenant – and lost.


  • I don’t know what Pho is. I just don’t.


  • I’ve never seen Rocky Horror Picture Show.


  • I just watched a Law and Order marathon, and I’m still not nearly as depressed as I am when I watch 30 minutes of Fox News.


  • The amount of times I said “That’s what she said” to myself on the daily is shockingly impressive.


  • Today I put a very cool chair on the street with a FREE sign attached to it. I love to think where my chair is now, and if it’s enjoying its new life! I also need hobbies.


  • I measure all my relationships against Tom Hardy’s relationship with dogs. Follow @tomhardyholdingdogs

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  • There is definitely a time in your teenage years where the worst thing that can happen is watching a sex scene on tv with your parents.  I remember one in particular: I was sitting on the couch with my then boyfriend. In our infinite wisdom, we decided to watch the Sopranos.  I aged 15 years in that 46 minutes.


  •  For the life of me, I do not understand the fascination with Cadbury Creme Eggs.  That is just gross. Don’t bring that up in here.


  • It’s extremely disconcerting when your dog growls for 20 minutes at your empty leather chair and ottoman and runs out of the room with all of his hairs on end. I obviously have a ghost.  God, I hope he’s cool, because I just can’t, ya know?


Until next time, folks.

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