I’ve Never Read A Maya Angelou Book….BUT

….I’ve had a quote of hers, handwritten in my twenty year-old script, framed in my apartment on a scrap of torn memo paper when I first heard it and it resonated. Two quotes of hers in fact.  The other quote is next to my bed; we’ll get to that. The first:

We make a lot of excuses for people.  But they show you who they truly are when you JUST LISTEN.  They can try to talk around it, attempt the smoke and mirrors.  But all you have to do is be quiet and listen.  Not to words, necessarily, but to their every innate method of movement. They are giving you every opportunity to run in the other direction. They want to wave a white flag on your behalf, giving you any out they could possibly invent.  I’ve been, oh how should I put it, incredibly fucking stupid for not listening to this advice.  The individual in your life who you’re making excuses for is holding a billboard that says, “I AM NOT THE PERSON YOU THINK I AM.”

Listen.  

Their actions, or lack of actions, show you every day.  Loud and clear.  Megaphone-howling, pyramid-climbing, polyester-wearing, screaming at the top of their cheerleader lungs, “BELIEVE ME.”  Sometimes with a marching band with streaming flags and teenage acrobats, but that’s usually for bowl games.  Sometimes with a silent glance, but one that, with a recipient’s clear, dare I say, sober, head, it is as loud as the bagpiper at Spanish Bay.  And we all love that guy.  But, yeah, he’s loud.

We’ve all come across a lot of liars.  Often we’ve been that liar.  From a little white, whispery one that slithers from lips without a second thought to the creation of another persona of a human being that isn’t truly us.  We’re all liars.  Go ahead, say you’re not.  LIAR.

It’s a quote that gets me through tough times.  Because it reminds me that we’re all just human beings.  We make mistakes.  More often we tell the truth.  Yes, I just called everyone liars three sentences ago; stay with me.  I believe that people tell the truth; and then they alleviate a potentially high-risk situation by pretending it was just something said in passing. But, it is we on the receiving end of a truth we don’t like who choose to define it a different way. A way that fits us, a way we can analyze into a completely different box, and cram it into that (GET IN THERE), box that we’ve chosen to, (HOLD ON!), make it fit.  (LOOK AT THAT, I KNEW IT!)   And we make them out the hurtful truth-tellers to be bad people.  They’re not.  They’re bad truth-tellers.  Because they don’t stick to it.

There are some that tell the truth and their truth is amazing.  It fits your truth, and wow you’re on the same page, with the same timing, and, are those butterflies?  This is a rarity.  So, you know what, a-holes?  I mean, ahem.  You know what, lovely people in the world reading this?  When you find it, open your eyes.  There’s not something better coming along.  If you’ve found someone you connect with, who makes you laugh til your sides hurt, who challenges the very core of your being, who wants you to find work you love, who wants you to travel, see the world, so you can tell your kids about it….you know what?  I’m sure the next gal at happy hour will do just that. Dime a fuckin’ dozen, we are.

God knows my friends have been put through the ringer, both male and female (if you’d like a list of these people who have caused said ringers, I have it both chronologically and alphabetically, so please be specific. WARNING: I bear no responsibility for you being on this list).

But I think we hear what we want to hear, what fits our ‘schedule.’  When we DO hear their truth, we move some words around, add some inflection, analyze it until it has too much meaning, and then come up with a whole newly defined strategy with zero basis in its origin. And this is why I now choose to go underground and live with mole people in the NYC subway.

I kid.  Unless, well, give me a week, I may sell all my shite on Craigslist and my sassy new chevron living room rug to Goodwill. [Friends, take note: I will need someone (I’m looking at you, Kelly) to remove my boxed wine from the fridge, someone (oh sister,Therese) to delete my Netflix Watch List because no one needs to see how often I watch Masterpiece Theatre and Battlestar Galactica, and only Alex is allowed to go through every piece of paper and discern who can read it. Please, no excitement, there’s nothing in the nightstands, I’m way too straight-laced  – although suggestions can be sent via email or in the comments below].

Anyway, back to the point.  When people show you who they are, don’t make excuses for them.  Believe them.  They’re telling you their truth.

 

The second quote that is in my apartment:

Oh.  OHHHHH.  This is a doozy.  I need a moment.

 

 

Ok, I’m back. I’m going to make t-shirts with this sentence on it.  I’m going to be THAT girl wearing THAT T-shirt: new goal announced. Yeah, June 2014! $12.99, get ’em here!

Seriously, though…I put people before me.  Actually, let me rephrase that.  I put the wrong people before me.  I’ve had many well-meaning people (“You’re fantastic…you’re sensational…you’re one of a kind, BUT…”), and I have put more sensitivity and thought into what they want to eat for dinner than a cumulative thought as to what charities I’m donating to this year.

And now I want to take a butter knife and pull a Van Gogh.  But at least, I’m being honest.  I dare you to find someone more so.

I feel my online dating friends, the less successful ones than those that have met their literal match on Match, can understand this the most.  And I am most guilty of this.  We spend so much time thinking about the wrong people, mainly because we think they’re the right people, and shocker, they don’t deserve the amount of time and energy we’re spending on them.  Truthfully, if I spent the same amount of time following my dream of being a writer, or putting my mind to curing homelessness in San Francisco, or creating a new cable company so that Comcast can go to cable hell….as I spend on thinking about guys who don’t deserve it….well, Bay Area, you’d all be getting HBO for free.

There are so many good people in the world.  People who will and DO love us unconditionally, think we’re sexy, fantastic, awesome, witty, hilarious…the list goes on an on.  And there’s no “BUT” following any of those statements.  “But” negates everything said before that.

You just are sexy, fantastic, awesome, witty, hilarious.

What should follow is: “And I’m lucky to know you, and can’t wait to spend more time with you.” Find that person.  The rest, we’re spending too much time on.  Good….night.

 

{Gratitude} Lately – May 29, 2014

Lately, I’m grateful for failing at #selfies because I’m getting licked in the face relentlessly.

For remembering what joy drawing brings me.

For Netflix for providing genius.

For the best distraction from my never-ending inbox.

For people who get it.

For taking a risk and having it look awesome!

The Bitter End – or better yet, the End of the Bitter

I got slapped in the face the other day.  Not literally slapped, that was a few months ago. I mean metaphorically. Stay with me, people.

A guy I went out with whom I now am happy to call a friend, informed me of something the other night over dinner.

 

He: “When it comes to guys, you’re bitter. You need to find some Zen.”

Me: “F*ck Zen.”  (pause, as he raises his eyebrows in victory)  “I mean, yay zen, totally!”

He: “You’ve been hurt, but so has everyone.  Take it all in stride.  You’re on a timeline, and it’s a made up one. You’ve made it up.”

Me: “Easy for you to say, you’re the one with the girlfriend who’s 6 years younger.” (I didn’t say this, but I thought it.  I DO sometimes bite my tongue).

He: “Let go of the idea that there’s not enough time. You are the source of time in your life.”

 

Smarty pants.

 

So yeah, well, I’m bitter. Because I’ve been put through the ringer.  More than once.  More than twice.  More than three times.  Really, they should name a church after me.

But really, he’s absolutely right.  With some of my recent angry actions, I’m hearing it loud and clear now, as I have taken it out on people I shouldn’t have.  I am bitter.  And I don’t want to be.

Being bitter doesn’t mean that I’m not over the pain of the past relationship.  I am. And I don’t want those people back in my life (stop emailing me, jackass), the ones that hurt me.  But I didn’t realize until this conversation that I’ve still carried the anger of wasted years and shed tears.  So, it took someone who didn’t return my affections to inform me I was bitter.  Oh, the irony.

This whole process has been exhausting. I’ve lost new friendships because of my bitterness. It’s been mostly infused with Sauvignon Blanc, which helps nothing, and only exacerbates my already over-opinionated mouth and my eventual embarrassment.

Yes, I did the best with what I knew at the time. But anger causes wrinkles. And a few other things, I’m sure, but most importantly, wrinkles.

There is no point in continuously beating myself (and guys) up about something I cannot change.  Sure there are things I don’t like about my life.  And there are things that I don’t have in my life that I thought I would by now.  But I’m the one that’s increasing the impact of their absence.

My aunt passed away a few days ago, and as my mom said, it’s a reminder for me to “give the loved ones around you a big hug and enjoy as rich a life as you can.  Every minute counts. Live and love your life.  You’ll get over the bumps.”

That’s been my big takeaway from all of this these past few days.  That I have the power to write my character as a hero rather than a victim.

Because in fact, I am proud of myself.  It took supreme courage to resolve to find something, and someone, better for me. Rather than pursue doomed relationships for fear of being alone, I chose life.  And radically improved the outcome of my own.

You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them…. Iyanla Vanzant

Now watch this, it makes me happy.

Rock Bottom, Sign of the Apocalypse, or Just Me Being Me…?

• I just became friends with a blind golden retriever puppy named Ray Charles on Facebook.

• I’m drinking wine.  From a box.  By choice.

• I’m more than mildly interested in @AmandaBynes twitter feed.

• I will be direct messaging my mother’s phone number to anyone who feels the slightest need to cry and complain.  Sheila will set you straight.  There’s no shortage of the following:
  • “Get out of your jammies”
  • “There are other fish in the sea”
  • “Stop finding men with major flaws.  You haven’t been put on this planet to fix them.”

You begin the conversation in fetal position and within 10 minutes, you’ll be doing three loads of laundry and cooking a three-course meal.

• Exact conversation from my life:
  • He: Do you actually have a huge framed photograph of a football above your fireplace?
  • Me: Obvi.
  • He:  I don’t know if that makes you weird or amazing.
  • Me: If you have to ask, the exit is the same as the entrance.

• I bought a satin blouse.  I have to dryclean it every effin’ time I wear it.  Fingerprints, water spots, wrinkles – satin is my kryptonite. Thoughts from my cerebral cortex will actually mark this damn thing up. But DAYEM, it’s hot.

• All day.  Everyday.  I talk to myself.  I find myself quite amusing. I didn’t realize I even did it until I traveled cross-country for a month with a friend.
  • Elizabeth: What?
  • Me: What.
  • Elizabeth: You just said something.
  • Me: I’m not talking to you.
  • Elizabeth: Oh.  Because we’re the only two people IN THIS CAR, I assumed you were talking to me.  Nutball.

• When I do talk to myself, the most often question I ask myself out loud is: “GAHHHH!  Why do I do the things I do???”

• I just found my high school picture.  I could have taken it yesterday.  Same haircut, same everything. Personally, I’m quite proud of looking the same way I did in high school. I mean, you’ve seen Facebook.

• I try to fit, “You know nothing, John Snow” into conversation at least once a day.

Cut down my trunk and make a boat. Then you can sail away… and be happy.

It’s not so much about getting what you want as having what it takes to give to others. Give. Be the giver. Be generous. Be voluptuous with your love. Give first. Be the first to say who you are — otherwise, the world will define you and you’ll have less to give. Be the first to say I love you, because you do love — instantly. Be the first to give an apology, even if you’re just thinking about being sorry. Giving will show you who you are. (You may not be who you thought you were, and you’ll realize you have so much more … to give.) Give up your seat. Give up your beliefs and you’ll be able to give more freely. Give in the way that only you can give. Give of yourself. You’ll never regret it.

And never stop giving. – DanielleLaPorte.com

A Lone Rose.

 

Yesterday, I arrived from LAX, a mere hour flight from my home after a, well, let’s just call it a disappointing weekend in LaLaLand.  I’m sure that’s not the first time a person has said the city sent them packing, literally and figuratively.

 

Circling, circling, circling, my plane’s repetitive cycle almost made me dizzy, waiting for the unending fog to break even for a moment.  An additional sixty minutes on a race course, with a finished book and a touchy-feely neighbor.  I felt like I was being punished for something, and I racked my brain to figure out the last 96 hours.  What must I have done wrong in a past life?  Did I habitually kick puppies?  Did I back into my neighbor’s painstakingly planted hedges? Did I run a red light, or cut off an elderly person, or make faces at a baby until he cried?  Not this week.

 

This weekend I found myself in a place I knew very well in a city I didn’t know at all.  A place of loneliness, left once again and had to buck up, buttercup, and figure it out.  Thankfully, through infinite kindness and open hearts, I was able to do so.  I much prefer open hearts than closed ones.  Obvious statement, still worth noting as the closed ones continuously find me. I think they have GPS.

 

There’s constant uncertainty in our lives, I know this.  A friend told me on Thursday to find the Zen Master in myself and “just chill, enjoy hanging out with people you are into… let something develop organically.”  Doesn’t that sound lovely?  Sign me up.  Put me in line, right next to the sign that says, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

 

At night, I just listen to my book on tape, hoping for sleep within three hours, and have faith in the fairly large certainty that I’ll wake up in the morning. Fear only has as much power as I give it space.

 

This past weekend, I also rented out my apartment.  If my landlord is reading this, this is a lie, and someone has stolen my computer and no one stayed in my apartment this weekend. Upon returning yesterday, I did the simple laundry required and unpacked my bag, while trying to embrace season 1 of Scandal on Netflix.  It was only tonight, 36 hours upon arriving home, that I noticed a new addition in my kitchen, mere moments ago, as I stirred my Paul Newman pasta sauce. A lone rose, sitting in my spoon rest, where I almost lay my marina-covered ladle. Putting all utensils and pots aside, I picked it up, a delicate flower, cut off at the stem, trying to hold onto its golden vibrance.  There was no reason for a simple rosebud to be in my spoonrest, but it gave me great pause, its simple beauty, alone and waiting to be noticed.

Self-sabotage is boring.

I’ve never been a gray person.  I’m a firm believer in the black and white.  You are or you aren’t.  You do or you don’t.  You can or can’t. You should or shouldn’t.  It’s about having a spine. Knowing who you are.  Making a damn decision.

I’ve always thrown myself into everything once I’ve made the choice to be a part of it.  I’m not saying it’s the right way to go about life.  Sometimes it has served me, and sometimes it hasn’t.  But it’s the only way I know how to truly live. There have been plenty that don’t get it.  They like gray, from cool to charcoal.

To better explain: I don’t watch one episode of Dexter, I stay up until 4am to finish the season I’ve pirated on my laptop. I don’t buy a coffee table, I paint my walls and retile the floors.  I don’t write a blog entry, I write a screenplay. I don’t go to the store for milk, I have to rent a car and buy enough chicken cutlets for a small army. I can’t go for a jog, I must train for a marathon.

Unfortunately the same goes for things that are bad for me.  I don’t eat a handful a chips, I eat the entire bag of Lay’s Sour Cream & Onion.  For no one can eat just one, right?

While I wouldn’t know how to live my life in any other way, with it comes a kind of imprisonment. Without participating in the entire shebang, there is discontentment.  Giving up the unhappiness would mean to throw my ego into the gutter, to completely let go. This prison of incompletion, while safe, makes me fear constantly that I will not be deemed a success, by my own or anyone else’s standards. While the mantra “Patience, patience” enters my thoughts, I simultaneously pray, “Let’s get on with it already.” Many can’t deal with a process like this, as expressing your creativity and your calling has incredible mountains and valleys.  Some deem it easier to steal things a better man has built.

Mostly, I am scared when I cannot find the motivation to create.  I doubt my own ability to do something worthwhile  – something worth looking at, reading, studying, exploring, being immensely proud of. It’s a vicious circle of ego and fear, self-love and loathing.

I do know this: I need to be creating, in whatever form.  It is more than a form of expression, it is a need, like breathing, eating, or drinking Spottswoode Cabernet. I want to create, but I don’t know the best way to do so. I suppose there is not a best way, there is just a way. So I’m asking you, and the Universe for help, and good wishes.  I’m a firm believer in the power of the mind. You send me yours, I’ll send you mine.

Creative people are not happy unless they are being creative.  I can vouch for that.  So while I sit here going the corporate route, I silently hope frequently that I never hear back from my inquiries.

I read this today and it made my heart beat fast and tears well in my eyes:

Creative people appear on this earth and they don’t ask to be creative but they are driven to be creative and they are not happy unless they are being creative. They aren’t happy unless they are making things or discussing making things or putting things they made in the mail or painting the things they made or selling the things they made. That’s why people live in lofts and join caravans because the only time they feel alive is when they are drenched in the colors of their being. In a loft with buckets of paint. In a studio with instruments and knobs. On the road. In an attic room with a view of the river. Barefoot in a stranger’s bed. Waiting for a train on a vast prairie. You will only be happy when your mysterious need to create is being serviced, addressed.

I suppose the first part is getting past the ego.  Not only putting it to bed, but crucifying it. I don’t need my creativity to make me wealthy, I need it to fill my soul. Maybe I won’t find it fully in a day, or months, or years. Maybe that’s the point of living a lifetime.

Today can be a demarcation from the self-sabotage, if I choose it to be.  Self-sabotage is getting boring.  Instead I choose to watch the entire second season of Game of Thrones, and read a book form cover to cover.  I shall see the sun rise.

I’m quietly going about my business of changing my life. And maybe yours, if you’re lucky.

For twelve hours, in a cold conference room, I attempted to arrange my small bum in an even smaller metal chair.  I sipped tiny Dixie-size cups of water, ate beef jerky for dinner, and crouched over a notebook.  Simultaneously, I was moved, inspired and ready to take on the world.

Today, I started my last course in the Curriculum for Living, that began with the Landmark Forum several months ago.  You’ve read my tales from that extraordinary weekend and then my takeaways from the Advanced Course, followed by a 10-week seminar.  I haven’t been on board (in Landmark-speak: “present”) the whole time, and I even ended up quitting my Relationship Seminar – the irony of that statement is not lost on me, ex-boyfriends of mine.

It’s a running joke for some friends who shall remain nameless (cough, Nelse) when I begin another one of these long weekends:

What are you doing this weekend?

I am otherwise occupied.

Ahhh, Cult Weekend?

Yes.

But I say that any cult that moves people to incredible, important action in their lives, not only for themselves but also their community, is a cult I want to join.  I’m not jumping on couches.  I don’t believe we hail from aliens.  I’m quietly going about my business of changing my life. And maybe yours, if you’re lucky.

And it has changed my life.  It doesn’t have anything to do with abandoning the religion that I’ve been born under, and I recognize my demons.  I am in no way healed or better than anyone else.  And that’s not what I’m being taught – I’m learning to reconnect with the best version of myself possible – one that is authentic and honest and true to the core.  It’s about creating possibilities in your life, and announcing them out loud so that you are held accountable for them.  I hide behind humor, there I wrote it.  And I stood and said it to 75 people tonight.  Humor is my defense mechanism – it is my warm blanket when I’m sad, is my role to play when I’m happy, and well, let’s just face it, I’m pretty much an all-around effin’ joy to be around.  Seriously.  Don’t pretend you don’t know this.

But anyway, enough about me, back to me.  My possibility for the last few months, has been (and you need to say it in this language: Who I am is the possibility of being whole, complete, and perfect as a single woman, regardless of what my past, present, future relationship status is. So with everything I do, every action, every word that escapes my lips, I connect with that before I think, say, do.

This course is much different from the previous.  The first was about what was inside of us, leaving behind the past, living in the present, and the fact there is no future.  (What? What? What? You say.  Come talk to me, or better yet, take the course).

The Advanced Course was about holding yourself accountable in your community being responsible for each and every person.  For example, that being late is a more than an oversight; you’re telling people that they don’t matter enough.

Now we take it to the next level, the Self-Expression and Leadership Program.  We look for something that is missing in our community – and create it.  Past graduates have started charities, businesses, a walk for autism that raised  $1.4 million. One graduate of this course, who just finished two months ago, became an advocate for  six sex workers in San Francisco (aged 15-17), having gotten them off the streets, placed in stable homes and in the education system. She’s like 26.  With a full-time job, husband, and plenty of other stuff to do. Just like you.

The Wachowski brothers, creators of The Matrix, are graduates and based a lot of their learnings on this program (remember the Red Pill?).  Chuck Palahniuk, upon graduating, wrote Fight Club (you are not your f*ckin’ khakis) – see the patterns here? So, while I have no plans to write, produce, and direct an Academy Award-winning film or write next Great American Novel, the pressure’s a bit ON to do something magical.

I’m at the very early stages, and over the next four months you’ll hear more about my project as I continue to understand it myself.  But I do know that it involves creating a safe haven for animals –  getting them off the streets of the Bay Area, out of abusive homes, away from neglect, far from slaughterhouses and cruelty –  and adopted by families that love and nurture.  That’s what I’m up to.  Keep you posted.

Keep going.

A very inspiring woman reminded me of something today:

Oprah was fired from one of her early anchor gigs, after being labelled “unfit for TV.”

Tim Ferriss had 26 publishing rejections for The 4-Hour Workweek — which spent months on The New York Times Bestseller list.

Twilight author Stephenie Meyer had 9 rejections from literary agents, and then…a $750,000 three-book deal.

Lady Gaga was dropped by Island Def Jam Records after only three months.

Project Runway winner Christian Siriano was rejected by the Fashion Institute of Technology. After winning Project Runway, his fashion line brought in $1.2 million in the first two years.

Abraham Lincoln had less than five years of formal education.

Marilyn Monroe was booted from 20th Century-Fox, after producers declared her “unattractive.”

Beethoven was almost completely deaf when he composed “The Ode To Joy.” He removed the legs from his piano and placed it on the floor, letting the vibrations resonate through his body.

Emily Dickinson had just a handful of poems published during her lifetime-out of over 1,800 completed works.

Louisa May Alcott was encouraged by her family to find work as a household servant. She wrote Little Women, instead.

Verdi was rejected from a prestigious music conservatory in Milan, because he “wasn’t talented enough.” He wrote 28 operas, including La Traviata, Aida, and Othello.

Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.

Keep going.

Monday letters – Sept 10, 2012 edition

Dear Aaron Sorkin, still a big fan but this above video is enlightening.

Dear 50 Shades of Grey, you are some of the worst writing I’ve seen in a long time.  And I don’t mind at all. Dear horses, for providing alone time without making me feel like I’m alone. Dear Married To Jonas, how dare you call yourselves tv; I make it my mission to get you off the air. Dear Inspiration, for continuing to shock me with the sheer brilliance of human beings. Dear zipcar, watch out – it’s going to be a trip like this one next time!  I have my CA license now! Dear TNT movie reruns, for begging the question, “How does one turn off Braveheart once one has started watching it?” Dear random acts of kindness – from paying for a couple’s dinner to calling a taxi for the guy on the corner, it feels really good. I encourage all of you to join in – miracles happen. For Ricky Gervais, thank you for remembered moments of my sides hurting on a couch.  Dear literature magazines, for  articles like this, that allow yourself to be lightly slapped across the face when you think you have less.  Thank you to my eardrums, for hearing “his loss: plain, simple, and without argument” and finally feeling the truth of that statement.